Parenting thread

[hausland]

@Azzarole

I will also become a dad in September and found it really touching and helpful to read the responses to your question.

Congratulations, I’m happy for you! To me, our children are the greatest joy and fun in life so far, I never thought I’d feel this way and I sure as hell couldn’t have imagined the wicked ways in which my children are, trigger me and touch me deeply. It’s a proper ride and if you meet it with love, patience and joy you will hopefully find it as positive and transformational as I have been finding it.

@Azzarole

I’m also thinking a bit about if I should downsize my hardware because I’m quite sure what I’m currently doing with three boxes will be way way way too complex for a long time.

My studio is PACKED with instruments (by my standards anyway ), and I rarely use (m)any of them since we had our children (4 & 1) but when I do I’m so grateful to have access to those instruments when I want & can. I have been playing and practicing guitar a lot since I became a father. What helped me a great deal in this regard was when a friend reminded me that discipline comes from love (you love something and so want to do it lots) and that I was playing the guitar FOR myself and not despite myself. In other words, I shifted my view from “this is something I put energy into” to “this is something that gives me energy and replenishes me.” That made a big difference and now I’ll sometimes stay up late just to have some time on the guitar or in the studio as a “recovery & recharging” practice rather than an obligation.

@Azzarole

What would you wish somebody told you before you became a parent, music wise?

Whatever it is you want your kids to learn or connect to, instead of pushing it onto them or talking them into it, make it available and accessible to them (in my case instruments & music), let them PLAY with it and if you can, PLAY along with them in a process of mutual discovery. Also, frequently lead by example (that is: play the instruments when they’re around so they can observe you), and finally give the child some space to process and make it their own — patience and spaciousness.

The other night we organised a small jam session at ours in the afternoon where the kids were invited to take part as well. our 4-year old daughter kept telling me how boooooring we were and rebutted me every time I invited her to join in. but then a few days later I walk into the living room and there she was sitting in a croner of the room with a Kalimba in her hands, jamming out an original melody on it and singing along a train-of-thought song about her favourite stuffed animals going on an adventure…

Patience. Patience. Patience. With your child. Your partner. And yourself.

Good luck man, really happy for you!

[derb]

@hausland

Whatever it is you want your kids to learn or connect to, instead of pushing it onto them or talking them into it, make it available and accessible to them (in my case instruments & music), let them PLAY with it and if you can, PLAY along with them in a process of mutual discovery. Also, frequently lead by example (that is: play the instruments when they’re around so they can observe you), and finally give the child some space to process and make it their own — patience and spaciousness.

That’s a great advice.
My 8 year old son very likes my controller and synths. He seems to feel kind of embarrassed he don’t understand how to use them to get very good results but when I showed him how to enable track recording in Live he could spent up to one hour just playing on pads, happy to record anything.

We even made a short recording together where he did the vocal part and some drums.

Having all of that stuff visible and accessible to use is a good way of introducing kids to the music production or playing. I imagine that forcing them to do it would be the worst thing that can happen.
As far as I would not let anybody to abuse my gear I don’t have anything against some minor beating it could have from my children. I only require to wash hands before to avoid any oily residue on any of the boxes.

They like music, like the most of people I assume, but with all these machines they can not only listen to it but create something completely new, made entirely by them.

[OTH]

Hi all, new dad here since 3 months. It’s been special. I have some problems with sleepless nights. It’s not because my child is crying a lot, but me probably being too stressed during the day. He is healthy and doing perfect, but I’m struggling with the fact I can’t make music when I want to (and other stuff). And when I think I have time, five minutes later he needs something.

I know eventually I will find a way to manage a way to make music and create time for myself. My wife is the best and she knows I want to make music so she lets me when possible. But she’s doing all the hard work all the time, so I don’t feel comfortable taking too much time making music.

As I’m writing this post, I’m laying on the couch with he sleeping in my arms. Really sweet, but I was thinking this is a good time spending time creating melodies or drum patterns. Do you other parents have any suggestions on a perfect battery powered synth/drum box for me playing on the couch? I know there are a lot out of them and I can search the internet myself. Just asking you guys to come up with a few you like so I can choose more easily because I trust you more than most synth blogs/synthfluencers! Thanks in advance

[Fin25]

I was in your situation, ended up buying a laptop, because everything else just felt too much hassle.

Best advice I can give though is to basically write off your music making for the next 2-3 years. Try to see it as a bonus for 20 minutes a week, or something you do when everyone else is in bed, not something you’re always distracting yourself thinking about. Kids grow up fast and a couple of years will fly by. You’ll reap the rewards later for giving your kid 100% of your time now. Time invested now will be time (and drama) saved when they’re a teenager.

[Azzarole]

@OTH

perfect battery powered synth/drum box for me playing on the couch?

I’ve recently asked this question and narrowed options down a bit. I’ll be getting Ableton Move:

Ableton Move or EP-133 for sketches?

After years on Elektronauts, I‘ve earned the right to finally open one of these stupid “should I get A or B” threads, so that everybody can tell me to get C, D or E and start to discuss non-related things about F . So I’m about to become a dad soon and would like to get a little portable sketchbook that still allows me to make a little bit of music over the next months and years. I don’t need it right now, as I have an established workflow with my digis and the Nina. But that …

Congrats on your baby boy, I assume what @Fin25 said is a good approach, but having something like the Move might help make a bit of music when you have a few minutes.

[Omar]

I personally feel uncomfortable making music when my kid is around - even asleep - so I just take advantage of moments when she can’t be around, which means, basically, public transports or standing in lines when I’m on errands. I’ve come to treasure these moments and jump on the opportunity when my wife needs me to buy groceries, diapers, etc.

For this to work, you need a really small handheld device. And my best recommendation would be the M8, which almost packs as much power as Ableton Live (well, without plug-ins) into the size of a smartphone.

The Razzmatazz with a small power bank also works.

I’ve got the CyDrums but, although it’s not much bigger, I really feel like an otaku using it in public - which is sad because it’s quite powerful as well.

Making music this way, you can come up with snippets and short patterns all the time. At the end of the day, if/when you find yourself blessed with some desktop time, you can assemble them and be surprised at how well they work together (well… or not)

Another benefit is (for me), since you only ever have like 10-15 minutes to make music, you’re always fresh with new ideas and seldom get lost into details. It has its advantages.

[zirkuskind]

In a few years, if you sing a lot with your child, i can say something simple like a Roland VT-3 was a great joy with kids from 5 to lets say 9. Doing your own “Hörspiele”, (is radio plays the right english word?), cause its possible to be a robot, a monster, a tiny animal, what ever. Even later, my niece is playing violin now and playing trough the VT-3 opens up cool playful options. I got one for some bucks, was totaly worth it.

For my little kid i took the classic aproach: a totaly cheap little Casio. He loves to play it, and yes, here in this topic are already fantastic suggestions and tips and one truly important was: let the kids observe you doing music. Interest will follow naturaly. Also: i let him press all buttons i can find: starting the Vinyl, push Play on the cassette deck, switching on the printer and it starts printing a sheet of paper, all leads to enthusiasm and excitement.

Edit, i forgot something mega important: dance! Dance with the kids! Its one of my and his favorit thing to do. Take him/her in your arms if he/she is still little and dance with him. Together observing the start of the spining of Vinyl, and then dance to it. Pure joy. We dance to Techno, DnB, Hardcore, and child-songs (Iam a big fan of all the old classics from Lakomy and these from Schöne, they are so great its amazing).

Another thing which comes to mind: Yeah, “parents-procrastination” is defenitly a thing. The whole day is full of work and child-care, and when you suceed and the kid is finaly in the bed and sleeping, you start to clean the chaos, make your taxes, writing all the important emails which should have been written since weeks, and so on and so on. But, i often also fell into the dangerous trap and just cant help myself and do music then. I a lot of times then realizing its in the middle of the night cause i forgot the time and was totaly in the flow. Regreting it the next day cause its hard after only a few hours of sleep. But: i think its important. Its hard, but it was worth it. After all, everyone should watch themself that after becoming parents you dont loose yourself and try to be as creative and powerful as you want to be. Your child will notice, at least when its a bit older, if its parents are only parents or if they are truly interesting individuals with a own life. And if the parents are feeling good in their life or not.

[Omar]

@zirkuskind

After all, everyone should watch themself that after becoming parents you dont loose yourself and try to be as creative and powerful as you want to be. Your child will notice, at least when its a bit older, if its parents are only parents or if they are truly interesting individuals with a own life. And if the parents are feeling good in their life or not.

[Azzarole]

Thanks for these tips, now I’m really looking forward to dancing and exploring recording/Hörspiele! The latest Youth Lagoon album has these snippets from videotapes his father made of the family when he was a child, and it gives the whole album such a deep emotional gravitas.

I’m really scared that I’ll be too tired and lazy to do anything once I’ve become a dad, but I think you’re right that I should try to keep an individual with hobbies as good as possible.

[Omar]

At the risk of sounding pedantic, I feel that, when becoming a parent, there’s a temptation to loose yourself into parenthood, not unlike the waiter in Sartre’s Being and Nothingness, who acts and lives like a waiter because he lacks the courage/energy/willingness to be a full person by himself.
(By the way, I have never read the book, ha ha ha, I just know the concept and mention it whenever I want to look cleverer than I am)

Not only this is bad for yourself as a human being, but I think it also puts pressure on your children’s shoulder, because they probably notice it (as @zirkuskind pointed out) and, somehow, can have the feeling you are dependent on them, whereas it should be the opposite (OK OK, I get it, there is interdependence here, but you know what I mean).

When they eventually leave home, they can feel like abandoning wrecked parents who forgot what life was about, beside parenting.
(This might account for many couples getting separated in their 40’s-50s)

[olelovold]

What a nice thread. I became a father four years ago, the first 24 hours were totally surreal but after that we found a rhythm together. Music making, cycling and other things I love doing took the back seat for a while, though I found some pockets of time here and there. When I was on parental leave, I’d have an OP-Z in the stroller and it was nice to jam for a bit when she was sleeping.

Some practical advice I can offer for the first year: try to get out of the house, don’t stay in all day. Be patient and helpful. If the baby struggles with breastfeeding, try a nursing shield - worked for us and saved us a lot of trouble. Don’t hesitate to ask your friends who are already parents for advice, we love to able to help. Take photos and write notes of what’s happening, it will become precious later.

[Azzarole]

@Omar

When they eventually leave home, they can feel like abandoning wrecked parents

I could really feel that my dad couldn’t wait till I was finally out out the house and he would be kids free again. He might have even said something like that at some point. One could think that’s kinda rude, but I totally got him at the time and like that I don’t have to call my parents all the time, know they’re happy without me, but enjoy spending time with me as well.

[Beeps]

Ableton Note and Koala on the phone were my only music-making tools for the first few months. My son loved contact napping, so I only had one hand free for music making. It was limiting but also a weirdly productive time.

He’s now seven months old and going to sleep early enough that there’s some time in the evening to putter around with a guitar or some kind of hardware device. Drums (my primary instrument) haven’t made a reappearance yet.

Time (and energy) for music is generally hard to come by, but that’s fine. All that stuff will still be there when things settle down.

[Kegeratorz]

I tell myself everyday that coaching little league was definitely better than fulfilling my dreams of being a professional musician. Then I crawl into the fetal position and weep until one of those little pricks needs me to cook them something.

I joke, kids are cool. Enjoy today, tomorrow will bring new challenges!

[schoolbabyboy]

i keep popping in here with my perspective as it grows with my career. my experience is different since im just a preschool teacher and im interacting with kids as my job but i feel like ive gained some insight.

definitely share your love of music with your children, this will likely look different based on their stage of development. use this opportunity to explore singing! im singing random ditties and tunes all day long, narrating events and situations.

also a good opportunity to pick up a new acoustic instrument. try teaching yourself! one of the things i feel kids dont see adults model too often is learning a new skill. especially as they get older and more capable and are in situations where they have to practice a new skill many times before it gives them the fun result they are hoping for. its interesting to see which kids stick to practicing despite repeat failure. modeling failure and repeat attempts can be helpful for kids that are so focused on a perfect outcome that they refuse to try.

we had lots of fun with the 1-2 year olds and samplers with built in mics. kind of a nice way to introduce audio manipulation.

i’d skip all the built for toddler instruments, they’re limited trash that the kids get bored of instantly in my experience. old casios, home keyboards, real percussion, real shakers etc are all great.

now that im working with 3-4 year olds ive gone a little farther. i’ve brought in some drone gear and they seem to be interested in it but they might be too abstract. the clear connection of cause and effect in sound creation seems to be important. at the end of the day they like my harmonica above and beyond everything else. parents have mentioned that their kids started playing with their harmonicas more when they already had one lying around. we’ve even explored drones through the harmonica.

they also love stories! i’ve been telling them stories from my college years (omitting the more raucous details) and they are loving hearing about live music performance and going to shows. trying my best to model these situations that they arent able to actually be apart of in person through story.

oh also see if there are any kid bands that preform in your area. we’ve got something called Kidstock near me and the main band is called The Not-Its. they do kids songs about math and cleaning up your room and shit like that but their shows sound like straight up rock shows. a couple kids in my class are loyal fans and they put on performances in our class consistently.

kids like passion! passion for your interests as well as legitimate passion to share them. if we are too precious and protective of our passions the kids move on, if we include them fully they tend to be on board.

[zirkuskind]

What a lovely and inspiring thread! Thx elektronauts.

@Azzarole I will check out that album! In general, trying to include your child in your art is a cool advice in my eyes. I sample my little baby and its sounds a lot, that lead to great claps, hihats and strange great sounds through the DT2 and the weird processing it can do (env, filters, lfos, you know what i mean). My girlfriend being an artist (photography) for herself made a lot of great works beginning with when she was pregnant, parts of this will also be her exam-work at art-university. And also, coming back to your example, a work she did in the past was a video-instalation using some old footage of a VHS-tape from her dad where she as a kid was trying to stand on a air matress (which is impossible) with a never giving up effort.

So, there is a lot to explore, i say to myself dividing “having kids” and “having a own or even creative life” isnt something natural or unavoidable, its something you have to try to overthrow. Thats as a motivation.
What helps is a good partner, and being open about wishes and feelings and talk and organise as equal partners. I try to give my partner time, being it a few hours or a day, and vice versa. You both win someting out of this, and the kid, too.

For the last DJ gig i played i needed 2 weeks time to pack my record bag cause i only got like 15 min every third day and in the process i said to myself “ffs this cant be true”, in the end i was open about the fact that i need at least some hours straight to prepare and getting into stuff for the DJ-set and need this time and we found a way.
Its always a “i want to make and finish this or that art, have to do this or that work, need time, how we can do this?” and after that the other person gets its time for its wishes.

Me and my partner we both coming from an existence of music-making-party-organising-raving-art-making-having-thousands-of-friends-and-interests-nightcrawlers and suddenly being parents is a task, thats for sure.
But i always try to let me inspire from people who did this too, which are great parents and getting everything under one hood.

I dont know how its in other european countries but what helps is the fact that in germany you can get one year free from the job and even get compensated moneywise for it. If you do it right you and your partner can get 18 month of money for not going to your job or to be precise working less. I strongly recommend to use this oportunity. I always raise my eyebrows if i meet a man who says “yeah i now take one month parents-time (Elternzeit in germany) for the introduction of the Kindergarten”, hell you can get one year freetime till the kid is 3 years old and later on another 2 years, fck your “carrer” your girlfriend is alone at home doing everything and you are missing the greatest moments in your life.

Sidenote for @Azzarole:
Tips for records are, my favorits in this order (but being an Ossi iam clearly biased):
Geschichtenlieder (Part 2 of Traumzauberbaum but i find it even better, there is a lot of Funk in it)
Gerhard Schöne - Lieder aus dem Kinderland (songs are also great for grown ups)
Mimelit das Stadtkaninchen
Im dunklen Bauch von Walfisch Jonas
Schlapps und Schlumbo
Traumzauberbaum (it doesnt get more classic)

@schoolbabyboy yeah i forgot: beside a cheap Casio i also got a little drum with attached rings and the stick has somekind of shaker included so thats a great toy. Great tips from you!

Writing this too long post with a lot of thoughts in it, last thing: a few hours ago i just was in the park with my baby (my partner was in the university) and for the first time my son could stand up alone and did 3 steps alone coming into my arms. What a sparkling moment in the ocean of a nonstop-full-of-magic time since he is in my life.

[Azzarole]

@zirkuskind

If you do it right you and your partner can get 18 month of money for not going to your job or to be precise working less. I strongly recommend to use this oportunity. I always raise my eyebrows if i meet a man who says “yeah i now take one month parents-time (Elternzeit in germany) for the introduction of the Kindergarten”, hell you can get one year freetime till the kid is 3 years old and later on another 2 years, fck your “carrer” your girlfriend is alone at home doing everything and you are missing the greatest moments in your life.

Well it’s not like both parents can just not work at all and get their full wage, so you have to be in a situation where you can afford living off less money for a bit. But yes, there are many people (especially dads) who earn so much money and could just stay home without anyone stopping them but themselves. I myself will be home for the first six months for all the reasons you said and I’m really looking forward to not having to worry about work during that time, so I can just focus on our family. If money wasn’t an issue, I’d stay home for longer. But we’ll probably both work part time in the long run and I hope everything works out with Kita etc.

Thanks for the additional tips about Hörspiele, will check them out when it’s time. Also thanks to @schoolbabyboy for sharing your perspective and experiences, I especially like the “kids love passion” part!

[zirkuskind]

Yes you have to deal with less money. But you are also getting Elterngeld if you work less, you dont have to stop working totaly. We choose Elterngeld Plus and adding Partnerschaftsbonus, meaning 18 month of some compansation from the goverment. I also recommend adding Kinderzuschlag in case its still to less money. Its some office work for one day yeah for sure but trying to get it its worth the time. Just try and maybe you get it. You wont remember all the less money things but you will remember all the moments filled with the new magic in your life.

[Azzarole]

Don’t worry, we’ve already been to a good Beratung and know about our options . The bonus is tricky, as it means both parents have to work at least 24 hours, which is heavily dependent on whether you get a Betreuungsplatz or not. But at least we get Elterngeld for the first 14 months.

[zirkuskind]

Thats great! I wish you and your partner all the best! Enjoy!
And feel free to let us know how is it going. I find reading other parents experiences in this atmosphere here quite inspiring.