Parenting thread

The Lounge General Discussion
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something i see as a preschool teacher in the 1-2 year old room is a fair amount of families trying to do too much in the first few years of their first child’s lives. the main stressors i have consistently seen are moving homes and having a second child, frequently combined! the true one two punch of instability that can cause anxiety in children. (upon typing this out, i realized i was born as the second child into that exact situation, first crib was in an in-process remodel, and both my older sister and i have anxiety issues)

i would encourage every new parent to try to prioritize stability for the new child over every other plan. it is worth it for everyone involved.

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Congratulations!! Fingers crossed that all goes well and you guys can welcome that new life you created together onto this planet!

As others have said here, it’s truely special and something you have to experience to know why and how we’re all raving about it :slight_smile: So in that regard, take it easy in the beginning, no pressures at all, especially not for your partner. This also includes feeling something for the little one — it might take a few days/weeks/months to bond to the degree where you can really understand everyone’s excitement for you here :slight_smile: don’t worry, that’s normal! Same goes for your partner, she might feel alienated from the child in the first few days / weeks (can be a hormonal thing, totally normal if that happens and nothing to waste much thought over other than knowing that it’ll pass). No rush in feeling love for your child, you will have lots of time for this love and connection to build, and build it will! Lol. I remember calling a friend to share my joy when our first child smiled at me for the first time, my friend had been a dad for nearly 10 years already, he told me “you just wait, this is nothing to what you will feel for her going as you grow together.” — 100% true. It just gets better and better, God willing.

Stress at the beginning is real also. The mind hates the uncertainty and vulnerability, be patient and kind to yourselves and don’t be afraid to talk about it to each other but also be wise enough to know the mind’s fear scenarios are just imaginations and not worth fretting over (again, way human).

One practical tip I’d give is: don’t force each other to do everything 50/50 just because that’s sort of the societal expectation. My wife and I just mixed it up and tried to “gift” to the other time to sleep / relax/ hang out. So for example, at night I might sleep in another room (so one of us is fit during the day) or take the little one and give my wife the opportunity to have a few good hours of sleep — I know couples where they insist on doing everything 50/50 (100/100) and end up with both of them not sleeping much and/or stressed out by that. You guys WILL get sleepy and moody lol, best to come up with ways where it’s never or only rarely both of you being sleepy and moody at the same time :sweat_smile:

I highly recommend taking pride in and drawing pride from supporting your partner in the first few weeks and months in whichever way is positive for her.

I also highly recommend learning how to tie the baby to you with a carrying sling (starting around one month old — we like Manduca slings for that). I’m talking about just a long cloth here, NOT the bigger carriers with buckles etc. it’s a fantastic way to be useful as the dad in the early months/year, because the sling is a fantastic place for the child to be and sleep in, and it feels amazing to have the little one tied up to one’s chest :slight_smile: — it’ll also be great for your mobility as a couple and also it’s easy to tie the child up and go for a walk for an hour or two while they are asleep — which will give your partner some quality time to relax and recharge :slight_smile: I did just that this morning :slight_smile:

Last tip is cut yourselves some slack as parents and be willing, ready and happy to learn with your child. I see peope putting a lot of pressure on themselves trying to get it all right and being “the perfect parents” and apart from the fact that that’s super tedious and hard to keep up I also think it’s sort of missing the point a bit. Your child will teach you every day like hopefully you will teach them. And they will give you lots of energy and care also just as you give it to them. It really IS a full, bi-directional relationship and like in all relationships you’ll get to learn each other and learn with each other as you grow together. So long as there’s love and care and good intention you’ll be doing your part.

Fingers crossed for you guys and if ever you need to bounce thoughts/questions/experiences/worries off of someone, feel free to post here with us.

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This is a very particular time, this wait…

Have faith, there are some wonderful moments ahead.
You life is about to become realer, big time.

Try to write/record (some sounds of) what you live along the way, it’s special to get access to such memories, later.

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Thanks all, lot of great advice so far. Appreciate it!

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You’re gonna be fine, all dads go in feeling the way you do. When your kid is 2 or so, the Sonicware stuff is great for them to toot around the room making noises. The more fun they have with it the more time you’ll have to play too!

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Amazing. Best wishes to the family.

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We have a 19 month old at home. Life has been the best rollercoaster ever since she came along. Every day is filled with moments that make my smile, moments that blow my mind and also moments that challenge me, but I wouldn’t change a thing. The old cliche about them growing up so fast hits home quicker than you’d expect so try to take some moments in the challenging times to appreciate the beautiful parts too.

Best small tip I have is when you change a nappy put the fresh one under the old one before you take the old one off, that way you’re always covered. Sounds obvious when you know but this rocked my world when someone told me.

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We welcomed our own complex oscillator to the family about a week ago. It would be great if I could twist a pot and attenuate that oscillator at 3am, but… I guess I’m happy that she might have my singing voice? :grinning_face_with_smiling_eyes:

The weeks leading up to birth were pretty nerve wracking - am I preparing enough? Did we get all the baby gear that we need? (Changing pad and a box for baby wipes - more valuable than gold, as it turns out!) What the heck is this swaddling thing that I’m supposed to do? Am I slap-burping too hard or too softly? All of it is new to you (and me!), and it’s totally natural to try and figure out just how you’re going to approach a completely foreign concept and set of responsibilities. You’re not alone.

Now that we’re at home - the challenge has been to get enough sleep. My partner and I tag each other in when we need to get a little rest or when we need to take care of other things - and as a man, I’m definitely getting off easy compared to the post-birth complications that she has to deal with. I make myself useful instead. Diaper changes, feeding, swaddling, changing outfits, doing laundry… and so on.

I found that the rest of my life simply went on pause. (My boss told me to take as much leave as I needed. I’m quite fortunate.) I was in the middle of rearranging my rack when I got the call to head to labor & delivery; those eurorack modules are still splayed out on my desk upstairs, waiting for me to find the time to start that project back up. But the time for that will come, the music isn’t going anywhere - instead, I’ve been trying to enjoy all of these first moments, and there are quite a few of them.

That said though, even though we’re exhausted, and of course anxious about doing the right thing as we bumble around trying to figure out the whole parenting thing, we love being parents, we are so thrilled to have our family growing, and dammit I can’t wait to sit down and jam with her someday.

For your last question - only the Ipad came with me to the hospital, and it’s really all I’ve been using over the past two weeks. My studio isn’t big enough for bassinets and all that stuff, so I’ve spent a lot of time in Logic and miRack (as usual) sketching out ideas that I’ll flesh out… eventually.

You’ll love being a father. Don’t let the anxiety get to you, it’s natural. Enjoy every moment. Congratulations, and all the best of luck.

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Our daughter was welcomed into the world yesterday at 4pm. Thanks again to all of the encouraging words from everyone in this thread. I look forward to revisiting it as she grows older and hearing the wisdom of those who have come before. Parenthood has already been a beautiful, thrilling experience. Cheers all :heart:

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Congratulations!!

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Congratulations!!! Wishing all the best and lots of joy and love together! Keep keeping on, any need to exchange notes or just share the experience as you go, feel free to hit us up!

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Congratulations!! She’ll be hitting you up for money before you know it… Hang on to these times. They’re precious.

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I’m. waiting for my first child, in the same situation you were a few weeks ago so thanks for pre-loading all the comments I needed for myself right now :laughing:

Totally get the “my brain can’t accept” bit. Just keep looking at my wife and thinking… no way is there a human in there

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Happy Father’s Day sound voyagers.

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@maymind_trax: Mind giving us an update now things are going, daughter and music wise?

I will also become a dad in September and found it really touching and helpful to read the responses to your question.

I was also wondering how I can prepare music wise. I know I only have a few more months left to finish some stuff that has been sitting for too long. I’m also thinking a bit about if I should downsize my hardware because I’m quite sure what I’m currently doing with three boxes will be way way way too complex for a long time. Lots of people are mentioning using smaller, more portable stuff. But probably I won’t have time and mind space for anything? And will want to dedicate my time to my family anyways? So probably best to just keep my stuff for now and just see what draws me back when I can make some music again? Maybe just noodling with sound design for 15 minutes might be more realistic and fun than trying to make anything resembling a track?

So these are some of my thoughts (on top of a lot of other thoughts I have about becoming a dad of course). What would you wish somebody told you before you became a parent, music wise? Could also involve things like preparing templates, meaning organizing stuff that might help use the few minutes you’ll get.

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I would say prepare to realize the futility of any preparations. Everything is about to shift in drastic ways you can’t fully anticipate. Your new needs will reveal themselves as time goes on. Practical acts like template building or downsizing might be a good plan, but your new normal might not care for that in the end.

Breathe deep and plunge. Congratulations.

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Thanks for asking, @Azzarole.

I’m loving parenthoood. It’s been a blast despite many sleepless nights. My daughter is healthy and amazing and incredibly smile-y and I feel very blessed. The last few months have been challenging here because of the fires, but we made it through and I’m starting to see what happened as a blessing in disguise even.

I haven’t had much time for proper producing but I’ve been playing a ton of acoustic guitar. I play Beatles songs for my daughter every day; her favorites are Here Comes the Sun and Don’t Pass Me By. We also have a piano that we bang away at, which she also loves. I’m starting her on the music early!!

I will say my free time is so limited now that I really use the studio time I do have, which is usually worked out in advance with my wife, who graciously takes our daugther so I can work. Because I know that, I am super focused and have actually finished mixing my next album, which has been in the works for a few years now.

I think parenthood has made life feel more focused. I am more present, especially when parenting, because I don’t want to miss any moments with my daughter. My wife and I have already been joking that we are sad she is going to leave home at 18 and she is 10 months old!!

Congratuations on your upcoming fatherhood! Everything that everyone said in the thread has been really spot on. It’s fun to read back over it now that my daughter is here and we have a relationship.

Regarding the musical gear, I did get a M:C but I have used it very infrequently. I’ve had very little desire to do any sort of complex programming or sequencing of any kind. Mostly just fingerpicking guitar, which is its own reward.

Any more questions, feel free to ask. Happy to answer.

OT

I listened to your Imaginary Past Lives EP and really dug it! Nice stuff. Anything new coming out soon?

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From my own experience, having instruments readily available with no strings attached is the greatest way for kids to be introduced to music. Very tightly followed by having parents who use those instruments on a regular basis.

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Thanks y’all for sharing your experiences.

I haven’t thought about ways of sharing my interest in music making with my child yet. It’s obvious but I guess that shows I’m not in dad mode yet :D. So thanks for bringing up that aspect, @maymind_trax and @MichaalHell. I guess the most obvious way to do that will be to just sing a lot to and with my child, which sounds great. Having something with speakers around like a Roland boutique might come in handy in a few years.

I think I’m also a bit worried about the “getting shit done” part that maymind is hinting at. I still don’t really like producing and keep stalling things, but I also want to finish things. Maybe I’ll use the next months to focus on producing things so that I don’t sit on a huge pile of shame and probably establish some habits of how to get stuff done more quickly.

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Singing is awesome, thats always worth exploring… My kids loved playing with vocal FX, so having a quick and easy setup for them to goof around with is also great. but dont be to attached to the material things (R.I.P my Perfom-VE) you have to balance the fine line of ensuring they do not break the stuff and they having the freedom to fully express themselves with it.

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