When did you accept that you wouldn't reach your dreams?

[horisonten]

Continuing the discussion from Family, work and elektron:

I just had to hear from others how they manage with the feelings related to this important topic. I saw someone post about how they had accepted that they wouldn’t make a living out of their music because of family/renovations etc. This made me really sad, because I’m in that state of mind atm. I have realized that my naive dreams won’t become true in this life time. And because I believe this life is my only shot (when I go - I go back to the eternal darkness) it makes it hard to grasp this realization.

I recently became a father and have been struggling with the fact that I do not have the time for music in a meaningful way. Don’t get me wrong, I love being a father. But I do not love loosing what is (was?) my big passion.

I do not know about how others feel about their music making. But am I wrong to think that most of us have dreams of some kind of acknowledgement/appreciation for our music?
I’ve always had this naive dream in the back of my mind with my music making. Its been some kind of motivation when I’ve struggled with my music. And that is to reach some kind of small “fame”, be it if only someone said that my music made a difference for them, that they knew what I meant or the feeling they got through my music.

Writing about it makes it clear that the ego is one hell of a drug. But still, without my ego I wouldn’t be more than another tree in the forest.

What was your moment when you realized that you wouldn’t reach your musical dreams in your life time? How did you get over the feeling of dispair when realizing it?

[gerkinear]

Be a hero for you child, buddy.
There will be time when you can enjoy your music again, the very first years of fatherhood are very demanding.

I’m a father of a 10 year old, and yes, i’m fiddling with my synths too. It’s possible.

[MichaalHell]

I dont think it was a realization of that I wasn’t gonna be fulfilling my dream. It was a revelation that my dream was a pipe dream.

What I mean is that I came to the realization that everything, no matter how fun that particular thing is, becomes a chore when it is your work.

Sure there would probably be some aspects that was still awesome, but the majority of it would most probably suck. So instead I’m fully content with having a day job which grants me both the capital and time to have a family and a hobby at the same time… I’ve never felt better about my music than I do now…

That has been my journey towards abandoning my dream atleast… it wasn’t so much abandonment as it was a realization…

Edit: I have friends who have made it in the industry and I look at their life and I’m just exhausted. They’re almost never home, always on the road. It’s probably cool when your 25, but when your on the road to 40, then I wouldn’t be as excited…

[Wolf-Rami]

I was just very happily in my Adidas track suit toying away with my recent purchase, the Live II Retro edition. I was thinking that ”this is the good life”, sunday, some free time for myself and my little indulgence with my favourite hobby.

Then I noticed on my iPad, which I had as a sample source, a notification on Elektronauts. Somebody had linked my old post and started a new topic from it.

Funny. I still kinda feel the same way I felt back then. I’ve released three albums with my band, toured scandinavia a little, released two comic books, but music (or drawing comics) is not the thing that’ll ever provide my livelihood. I am really and truly happy in my new profession as a book shop owner and that’s another dream that I feel I have reached. I guess my dream was never to become the next Aphex Twin. Instead I became the next Bernard Black. And I’m over the moon about it.

I still enjoy my synths every chance I get.

[digimatt]

I guess I must be lucky in that making music has always been a pleasurable, no stress pursuit for me, pretty sure if I had the talent fame would be an unwelcome pressure too.

[NeonMelk]

Well of course, it would be awesome to get enough money with my music to live, at least, decently. I haven’t try to sell my music…yet, but i’m pretty realistic about the possibility it could bring any dinero.

Now, about the dream/goal subject, there was nothing to accept since the day i realized that in the end, i’m living the most important part of the dream :
Having all the tools and actually making music.

I made hundreds of tracks, felt the joy of creating chord progressions that was unreal (to me at least) spent hours elaborating concept albums and since a few months, discovered FM and travelling to Orion or Sirius whenever i want.
A few decades ago, you’d had to get signed to have access to studios and professional musicians/orchestras/wagons of gear. Today you can have that in your computer or in little boxes.

So yeah, Touring/performing live, meet and eventually play with your peers etc
I hate people…so no regrets.

Having producers, record labels telling me :

• No triple album, too expensive.
• Where’s the next hit ?
• We need a Christmas album.

I’m so ok not to have those.
I make music every day, that’s the dream.
…
…
@Wolf-Rami so, no designer underpants forgotten in your Kong-Hong house problem ?
Good for you !

[pumpkin_head]

To me it’s not giving up on a dream, but more being able to distinguish what was fake and based on illusions, and what remains real in this dream. Having kids helps in realising that.

[Alume]

That retro vibe looks sick af.

( also happy you’re happy my friend)

[plragde]

I did not have grand musical dreams, so perhaps nothing I say is relevant. But music has always been important to me, and I have played or sung regularly for more than half my life, not always continuously. It became clear to me early on that nothing else I would accomplish in my life would be as significant as the part I played in raising my children. They are independent adults now, and I have been reasonably successful in my profession, but that is still true.

Parenting can be (should be?) immersive, and it changed my outlook on a lot of things, including on music, art, and literature. After my first child was born, I stopped playing piano for the second time. But less than a decade later, I took up the cello for the first time, to be able to play chamber music with them. Some dreams do not die. They change, they adapt, they take on new and surprising forms. There is a photo in the Setups thread of my grandson playing with my DB-01. I don’t have future expectations on that score (whatever happens, happens) but I bet his mother does!

[new_drugs]

I 2nd and 3rd the idea about being there for your kids and would add that really being present when they are young is something you are going to want to do. It is beyond cliche at this point, but they grow up really fast. That’s is a cliche because of how brutally true it is. I have an 11 and 13 year old now and even feeling like I was really “there” during their early years, I still feel these twinges of regret that I did not properly soak up that time in their lives. Because you really only get a short window when they are babies and toddlers so more than any other experience I can think of in life please take as much joy as you can from those years.
As to the music aspect, I completely am with you. I had lofty ambitions about what I wanted from music in my life. I knew it was what I wanted to be really early on in life and it was kind of a mourning process (corny sounding, I know) when I realized my goals in terms of music were not going to be met. At the end of the day I feel like my biggest flaw in terms of pursuing a career in music is a complete inability to promote myself and my work. Self promotion is just not something I am capable of. Additionally, I am completely inept when it comes to networking. What I will say is that when you get to that other side of accepting that your life isn’t going to look like you wanted musically is that you are then absolutely free. By that I mean, you are free to chase whatever crazy ass musical vision you have. If you get bored of something, you can just move on. Come back to it later if you are inclined. I truly believe you end up more free than any professional musician could ever dream of being. They usually have a pretty clear mandate for what they can do (their established style/genre) and time pressures to deliver product. Additionally, with the easy access to instruments and recording software There is no gate keeper preventing you from creating exactly what you want. It is a great time to be an amateur musician and with lack of profits for professional musicians kind of a sucky time to have “made it” in music.

[Soop]

@plragde

Some dreams do not die. They change, they adapt, they take on new and surprising forms.

I find this to be true. During a recent hiatus from music-making, I found energy and interest in returning to a past love of drawing and take a small sketchbook and discretely draw people when I’m in a café or park.

[plusn]

Music making is important, but family is more important. That’s the realization I came to at the end. And accepted it fully. I call it growing up and becomeing wise.

[Dava]

Someone once told me; “Cherish the disillusionment”. Nearly a decade later The penny is starting to drop.

I don’t believe this is specific to music making, but any instance in which the “me story” is caught in the act, (apparently) running the show. In my case at least, it is happening all the time, and I’ve found great relief through simply spotting this ancient survival program (me as the lead in my own personal movie). The moment you see it (which you obviously have) you’re granted an instant indication that you are more than the sum total of the me-story.

It’s a pervasive bugger for sure, but just seeing it play out, acknowledging that it’s an old survival program doing its thing is enough. No need to kill the ego. Seeing is freeing

p.s. I’ve got 2 kids, and regard it as something of a creative endeavour in its own right. Plenty of grist for the mill there!

[mattleaf]

If your dream was to make music that made a difference in someone’s life, then I’d say this is absolutely still possible. It’s worth knowing half the famous musicians you see the planet over have kids. And it probably make them all the more wise, resilient and better for it. Congrats on becoming a Dad mate

More generally I would say life is not an even and unbumpy road, we may have periods of general straight lines, but life is full of reevaluation and reorganisation points to adapt to new situations.

Happiness is something else I think, contentment. This resides much deeper in the self and all the tech gear will never quench it, nor will love, success, achievements. Happiness is a cultivated state of mind. But I think youthful happiness and mature happiness are in someways two different things. Kids have a lot of the pressures removed from them, and happiness and being high is almost the norm. Adults have a lot more responsibilities, so I would agree some things have to be let go of in order to find this equilibrium.

[Fin25]

I get how you feel OP.
When you become a parent, you go through a sort of Ego death, which can manifest in different ways. You’re currently going through the stage where you’ve realised your life isn’t your own anymore and all the things you thought you could do seem out of reach now or over. To some extent they are, but you’ll soon stop mourning for the future you might have had and get on with living the life you’ve got.

I’m into my second kid now and it’ll be four years before they’re both at school, so music making is a night time business for now and sleep an unnecessary luxury.

Not sure I’d ever want to make a living from music though, I reckon it’d suck all the joy out of it.

[Kja]

I just can add that you might not have “made it” but still, you might one day make something special enough that people will care… And age and your responsibilities have nothing to do with that… Or not… It is not really up to you and is more about what people need from you… Whether music or as a father… You don’t have to be a famous pop star to be a amazing musician.

[psychetropic]

Second this. Mine are all mid twenties now and I have all the time for synths I want. If I’d bypassed being a Dad for some dream, I’m not sure where I’d be now.

[rtme]

@horisonten

How did you get over the feeling of dispair when realizing it?

I had a feeling of intense relieve when I realized I wasn’t going to “make it”. After the initial grieve I discovered I did not really wanted to be a full-time professional musician at all. The music business is not a nice and caring world to be in, the constant traveling, unpredictable situations, untrustable venue owners, loads of egocentric douchebags and varying schedules all the time can be really exhausting.

I completely stopped making music for more than 4 years after my last gig. Now I finally play my drums and piano again andenjoy the Digitone and MPC One in my small studio. And I will do some small gigs in the following months, all just for fun.

I actually enjoy making music now more then I ever did before.

[Microtribe]

@horisonten

What was your moment when you realized that you wouldn’t reach your musical dreams in your life time?

Well, Im 41, I dont have any children. I never will, by active choice. I had a vasectomy many years ago.

The realisation I wouldn’t reach the dream of making a living making music came slowly, and had nothing to do with having kids. It was a slow learning process, and rather than not reaching the dream, the dream just changed, based on learning real life stuff. Many of my musical aspirations I have achieved already, some of them were anticlimactic to be honest.

I don’t believe that having a family is a barrier to attaining ones goals, because I have seen people do it. Maybe you have to approach it a different way, maybe it takes a bit longer, maybe the goal gets modified, but if you want something enough, and work at it, you can do it.

[PentalagusMusic]

I’m happy I’m fortunate enough to afford the free time I do get to make music, and that the time I live in offers such a variety of instruments to do so with.
It’d be neat to get any recognition at all, but it’s best just to get that creative expression out, good or bad.

I’ll add that I’ve got two young kids and I often have to wait until everyone is asleep before I can focus and get lost in the music, but as they grow it’s super fun to get them more involved and seeing their interests in it grow as well.