Yes! I’m doing this now to get through the withdrawals.
Ah man… this…
My 14 year old daughter and I just chatted openly about it for the first time.
Heart-breaking but soul-healing.
She told me shes known since she was 10. That was hard. I kinda knew she knew. She’s very intelligent and observant.
I doubt this!
In the end it comes down a simple choice…
Do I love drugs more?
Or my family more?
I choose my family. I guess thats why it’s harder for some, they have nothing to stop for. I’ve always had my music too.
Thanks for sharing. Ive been curious on drugs and alcohol since I was around 7. Dont know why but my dad gave me the electric koolaid acidtest when I was 13 and that made me obsessed with being wasted on psychedelics for 15 years. My main problem has always been alcohol though. I used ALOT of speed for along time but I think that was mostly to get energy to be drunker. Im very happy to feel like shit on the opioids Ive used and think I almost died from morphine I stole from work one time. So avoided that. Getting a child saved me in alot of ways but my head and thinking are a bit twisted I realise. For me it also helped to exchange drugobsession with other obsessions. Like synths. Its a bad thing its very nice to play synth on drugs though. I understand that my life is alot better sober but my life sucks because of shit I dont know how to control so been on a bit of a bender this summer. Which been a bit destructive but also sometimes really really fun.
That shit is the worst, because there’s no escaping it when it’s in every shop!
I feel for you.
You often cant control stuff.
The only thing you can control is yourself, your reaction to stuff.
When all was chaotic around me and in me, I learned one simple thing: to control my breathing.
Its the one thing no-one can fuck with, I learned to breath slowly, in through nose and out through mouth, and keep my back straight if sitting up.
That technique got me through a lot of pain, nausea, sickness, withdrawals etc. It might not help everyone but its worth a try.
Good luck and I hope everything works out good for you whatever you do!
Yes breathing! Planning to take a course in rajayoga soon. A friend of mine that been so deep in addiction to every kind of drug there is hit total bottom 3 years ago. He turned his life around and is now a certified Gabor mate therapist and really sober for the first time since he was 14.
I feel like this is step one. The starting point!
Thats where you decide, the only way is up. Or off this Earth for now!
I’m right there with you. I’ve been an opiate addict for probably going on 30 years. Been in and out of rehab. My last stint was this past October. I came home to my family and really thought I had it beat this time. But I relapsed and now I’m out of the house again. Staying at my Dad’s which is a nightmare. He’s a hoarder. Here’s the huge problem with me though; I have diabetes. So when I was on this last run for about a year, doing heroin and fentanyl, I started eating really badly, which sent my body into something called ketoacidosis. Basically your body starts burning fat and muscle for energy. I’ve lost about 50 pounds. I’m trying to get back to normal by taking metformin and drinking lots of water but I’m probably going to have to go to the hospital and get on insulin. I’m currently trying to wean off the dope because I can’t go back to rehab; my job is starting back up soon and the last time I went, I got into such financial straits that I’m still trying to catch up. It’s miserable existence and I’m angry at myself. My wife isn’t divorcing me but she won’t let me come home until I get healthy. It’s hard to admit this but just like you said, I’ve met some really great people on here and I know they support me 100%. Thanks for starting this topic. If you don’t pray, cross your fingers for me or send some positive vibes. I’m pretty sure I’ve hit my bottom and I just want to get better and survive.
Hey man, just remember that you’re loved and that you make a lot of people’s lives better and bring joy to them by just being alive. You’re worth all the good things this world has to offer, and deserve it. Don’t beat yourself up too much and acknowledge that you’re successful with each passing minute of sobriety. One hour at a time. Hugs to you man.
I’m a therapist and work with addiction in detoxes and rehabs for 5 years now (and went through addiction myself). I’m very proud of you! The opposite of addiction isn’t sobriety, it’s connection! Stay connected!
What a brave post, and thank you for making it. Over the last few years, I’ve come to believe that there is an intrinsic value to the world in people who have experienced stigma about their lives sharing their experiences, as a way of changing that stigma. I’m sure that your post will help others. I hope that it has helped you, by putting something out into the open that was less open before. I’m also pleased that you’ve had a positive response so far from people on Elektronauts - I think you chose a good place to put it.
I very much appreciate your very honest post and I can see how it and the subsequent discussion could help a lot of people.
The reality is that almost everybody is addicted of something. We shouldn’t even talk about addicts as some other group of people we don’t belong to. Those like us who the society do not consider addicts are just addicted to either socially accepted drugs (like tobacco, coffee, which in term of physical addiction are both quite strong), or are not addicted to drugs but to other things: sex, food, shopping, social medias, physical exercise, GAS, video games … anything that can make our brain produce endorphins has the potential to make us addicted.
I know I am addicted to chocolate. It will make everybody smile compared to someone taking speedballs but the addiction pattern is the same. Every time I feel bad and don’t handle well some form of pressure I know where I am heading. I know my older brother has been struggling with coffee for years and is currently trying to reduce again is intake progressively to go back to sobriety. But society don’t consider us addicted or look at us badly, because our own addictions doesn’t make us have negative behaviors towards others.
All what I am saying is not to downplay hard drug users struggles, but to make people empathize and reflect on how we are all so fragile and similar and could very easily have gone done that path with a few differences in our environment/early life/struggles and we shouldn’t look down on drug addicts.
I agree. i believe that in a way its a mechanism that animal beings may have developed, so the find stuff that motivate them. Now we produce that stuff so that got taken to the extreme by humans, trying to hack their way into oblivious euphoria…
(gonna be a long post, sorry)
I feel for you mate! Sending some postive vibes across! And praying for you too!
I’m sorry youre out of your home. The same happened to me. I had to leave my partner and our two kids. It was heartbreaking. I lived on the street, then in shelters. But I still loved drugs and wasn’t ready to give up.
You’ll get back home mate.
Here’s some stuff which helped me: (everyones different. plus sorry if you already know this or any of it seems patronizing. just trying to help tho!)
Desire to be clean
First step! It only happens once you’ve had enough. I LIKED being a junkie, in some ways. Until I realized I had to choose between my kids or pumping shit into my veins. I chose my kids. You need something to aim for, some reason to give up.
Addiction vs Dependence
There’s a difference. Understanding the difference helped me so much. It’s so much easier to beat splitting these two up and tackling them separately.
Medical Help
I went on Methadone. Once the dose was big enough I stopped thinking about junk. Took a long time, using on top etc. But eventually, I took my methadone in the morning, felt fine all day. Allowed me to have a normal life with no banging up, no running round getting it, smoking crack at dealers house etc.
Yes, I replaced one addiction with another. But the methadone allowed me to forget all about heroin, get my health and sanity back, no withdrawals etc. Yes it gives a buzz. Not a rush like H but enough to get through the day.
Then once life is stable, switch to Buprenorphine (think its Suboxone in the States). Easy to switch, not much withdrawals. Then reduce on the bupe until completely clean. That’s what I’m doing now. I’m on 3rd week of a fast taper of Bupe. Down to 0.4mg twice daily. I went down fast cos I cant stand the feeling of the bupe. Yes it’s more painful. But it’ll be shorter. I’m gonna go slower now so I don’t get withdrawals. You can go down to a tiny crumb at the end.
If you do get on the bupe. Try and plan to get off fast mate. No longer than 3 months max. I think bupe messes with you long term. It’s even less safe than dope/methadone in that regard.
Less is more! I cannot tell you this enough. The Docs over on your side (I’m presuming your in USA) seem to love prescribing huge amounts of Bupe for long periods. They love the money! But you need less bupe than you think.
You are a good person!
Everyone has good and bad. You’re not defined by your addiction. Your life is worth something. Be kind to yourself! Be nice to yourself!
I really, really hope things get better for you!
It happens one little step at a time. It’s much easier with medicine, man I challenge anyone to go from shooting speedballs/dope/any hard drugs, to stopping, without any medical help. For me, it just wasn’t possible. The medicine makes it doable!
Btw, in my experience, rehab doesn’t work cos it doesn’t treat the addiction, only the dependence. Medical maintenance therapy, over a longer time, that works.
Check out the site I linked earlier:
I highly recommend you read everything on that site. It helped me realize a lot of shit.
I don’t know you man. But I love you, I genuinely mean that. You are my brother, my fellow human being, my sun-sibling. We all came from the same source and we all go back there.
Tonight I am going to take some time to just wish, pray, and send positive intentions to you. Love and peace mate. Good luck!
So true. Addiction is a lonely path. But it has value, too. Because when you stop, you’re choosing connection over inebriation. You cherish life more afterwards.
Thanks for your kind words and for helping people too!
It has! Thank you!
I really agonized over posting it… I’m so glad I did. A lovely bunch of people on here, thank you so much for everyones support. It means more than I can ever say.
If this thread even helps one person get off or never start it was worth it. And if not at least it has helped me be even more determined to be clean!
Thank you for writing this! It’s true, it can happen to anyone. I never planned on becoming a junkie, it just kind of happened slowly and inevitably.
Ha ha, you’re right though, you can become addicted to anything!
The trouble with some drugs though is the bodies dependence on a substance, which is a separate thing and needs to be treated separately.
I actually have a lot of willpower when it comes to addictions, tobacco, weed, smoking crack, all daily, all stopped (separately) in a day, just decided, enough now.
The trouble with opiates is your body becomes dependent on that substance to function normally at equilibrium. Its not a matter of willpower, you just are horribly sick if you stop, just a never ending nightmare.
I only ever managed 3 or so days of cold-turkey with heroin. It’s not pretty!
Caffeine and tobacco do cause mild physical dependence, but the withdrawals are very small generally (in comparison).
This is so true. Socially acceptable because most people are doing it!
For me, tobacco made me so grumpy sometimes! I really think nicotine is a shitty, horrible drug. Very glad I don’t smoke anymore.
Thank you! It helps to hear it. So many great people on here!
Just want to chime in as well to say I appreciate you all sharing your stories here, sending lots of love and strength to everybody in this thread <3
My family has not been immune to struggles with addiction, but our biggest problem is that no one is open about those struggles. We’re all pretty skilled at maintaining distance and denial from anything unsavory, which creates space for all kinds of problems to go untreated. So as an adult I’ve had to kind of find my way with these things and create context/understanding on my own, and stories like these are helpful for sure.
We’ve got a great community here, I’m glad our support for each other extends beyond figuring out how Octatrack works.
Thank you!
Ah, that’s not helpful, it’s true! It’s like ddiamond84 said, the opposite of addiction is connection.
If someone makes the first move, maybe all the walls will come tumbling down?
I really feel like all these trials are part of our growth, our life’s blueprint. Our story and the world’s story. Every struggle is important and will be won in the end.
The greatest mystery is the one that can never be solved!