Parenting thread

The Lounge General Discussion
#22

Actually, I have a different experience.
Some friends of mine are (IMHO) totally irrational with this, listening to their (6yo) child each time she cries.
They have turned themselves into some kind of slaves, and this is absolutely not good in my book.

When my children were toddlers and would cry at night, I would come a couple of time ensuring everything was ok, then I would reassure them but explain I needed to sleep myself, and would not come back until the morning.
This worked really well.

Hell.

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#23

Overall, some really good advice.

I second that. We did the same thing and even though it did get a little weird at times we all look back fondly. We also have a fairly laid back and trustful relationship overall, so it can’t all have been wrong.

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#24

Indeed.

#25

Our daughter is pretty ahead of her peers physically. I had her walking up and down the stairs before her similar aged cousin and our friends kids were barely standing.

My wife was against it, because she didn’t want her to get hurt. But honestly, she would have kept her off the stairs until she was 27.

Anyway, my logic was that I wanted her to learn how to navigate the stairs in case for whatever reason the gate was open and someone wasn’t paying attention, whatever, shit happens.
I’d rather her know what to do with the stairs rather than go head over tits down them.

I really think as a result she started climbing and getting really physical at the park and stuff like that. She loves to walk on anything she can balance on, or jump from one object to another. I’m pretty impressed sometimes.
Just that little nudge affected her exponentially.

Of course, everyone thinks their kid is a genius.

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#26

Sad truth is loads of people think they got a dud. Though you won’t find them posting it here. Man, I’m still pretty much in the Philip Larkin corner.

EDIT: not going to turn this into me complaining about my dad thread, I guess I had it pretty good (compared to him anyway!)

#27

Nobody does. Everybody‘s good at something. But I think honest feedback is important. No one is great at everything and not every fart is a work of art. I find it very important to have a somewhat realistic self perspective and solid confidence without being cocky. We try to encourage our kids to try stuff, but when my daughter decided to take violin lessons it was important to let her know she sounded shit and that she‘d need to practise a lot more to change that. She ended up quitting and nobody here ever looked back.

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#28

I get that, being an involved grandparent is not a right, it’s a privilege for the grandparents…

At the same time I my mom is great with our kids, really involved and loves just listening to their thoughts… my in laws are a bit more stern (Christians) but still a lot of love. My youngest adores my father in law and is constantly tagging along side him whenever he can, whether it be cutting down trees or doing something else… it’s heartwarming to see and im really glad my kids have that bond with their grandparents, I know I didn’t…

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#29

My youngest wanted to play football like his big brother so went along to football training. Lasted a fortnight and “dud” is putting it mildly :joy:. Was hilarious to watch though. He’d just aimlessly kick the ball away when it came near him and spent the entire time talking about Batman to his pals (who were trying to earn a squad spot).

On the flip side, he likes drumming and boxing (neither likely to pay bills when he’s older but he’s good at both!) and is very smart in his own odd little way. Incredible memory.

I like to think that my kids are turning out ok. My oldest just started high school so instantly turned into a moody shit. I was like that too I guess.

Very much aware that at 12 & 10 I’m not going to get many more hugs or “love yous” out of them which is a little sad so making the most of it while I can. As said above, things move fast. I told my other half ahead of the Xmas before last that this would be be the last one where they still believe in Santa. Sounds like a daft thing to highlight but I made sure we did everything that makes Xmas magical no matter how corny it was. Was worth every effort.

Anyway, if there was a guaranteed right way to parent I guess everyone would be doing the same shit. Got to find our way through things like the kids do I guess!

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#30

This is absolutely true.

My oldest has been really scared of a lot of things in the past and hasn’t been to good at physical things. At first I was internally comparing her with other kids, but when she got older other traits started forming, she’s a fast learner, learned reading and counting really fast, she’s super musical with a lovely singing voice and great timing especially for a 8 year old… and then you realize that your kids are just as flawed as yourself and that’s fine, they’re beautiful anyway.

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#31

In regards to your friends I think the Swedish term “Lagom “ applies…

My brother in law was the same way with their first kid and it was infuriating to watch. Especially since when the kid got a little older she learnt that dad will come running whenever I cry…

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#32

Kids are great fun, next chapter in life etc. Had mine when I felt I was right and been a blast. Love them to bits and they are 2 legends

Has definitely helped me change as a person for the better and I learn from them also. I teach and its made me more empathetic with those that struggle, they aren’t my kids but you do feel that paternal nurturing feeling kick in and I also think if it was my kid what would expect of a teacher.

I did my degree in psychology just after my first was born and was interesting study child development as she was growing. Definitely helped me in my parenting.

One thing that’s surprised me is I always thought I’d raise my kids enjoying what I love but I’ve just let them absorb what they want. Music, film, fashion etc, I’ve avoided putting my stamp on it all. They are still mini mes, just packaged differently

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#33

Same here. Thankfully, my parents live a 7 hour drive away and my wife’s are on the other side of the planet. Our kids already have enough on their plate with our emotional baggage without the grandparents adding to the burden.

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#34

Yeah that was a sad thing for us as well knowing that we’ll have to wait another 10-15 years minimum before we can see a little one appreciate the magic of Christmas again.

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#35

I am on my way out the door with my 19 year old son as we head off to work together (i got him on the seasonal crew at the Cemetery), but will chime in when i have more time in front of a real keyboard.
Lots to say about the whole thing, i guess.
My wife ( not his mother ) and i are in the process of trying to help him get ready to move out on his own come January and its bringing up a lot of feelings for us all…
I had always looked ahead to this age, as he was born when i was 23, where i was in my young 40’s and he was turning into his own young man.
Obviously i look back and wonder where the hell all the time went.
I would watch him marching across the playground on his way into elementary school, during a downpour, in his little raincoat, head down against the rain and my love for that little boy would explode in my heart like a thermobaric warhead, igniting the very air around me.
Now i get pissed off at him him because he calls in sick when he isnt
Basic rule of advice: IN the words of Warren Zevon " Enjoy every sandwich"
the time goes way too fast.
let them know, and REALLY, know that you love them.

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#36

Going to be such a weird feeling when mine move out, like something will be missing from the house

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#37

oh, yeah!
If there was a “desert island” parenting tip, for me, this would be it.
Read to them a lot.
Not only because smartypants agree it’s valuable for their intellectual development and vocabulary, but even more - it puts you in a common space with your kid.
My kids are 8 and 10, boys.
When we’re engrossed in book together, we have something to talk about at dinner, or in the car, or wherever.
I found a couple of different series that got us through the height of lockdown, together, and I’m tremendously grateful for the experience.

I’ll follow up…
I want to read the rest of this in full before I add more…

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#38

Ours went off to school 1200 miles away at age 15. We feel kind of like we were robbed.

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#39

I see a lot of people who want to be the sort of parents who don’t want to leave their baby crying on their own, but then they also seem to spend a lot of time trying to leave the baby on their own. I think we can all see how this might be silly, and result in lots of running up and down.

Little babies don’t learn this though. I can see no excuse for leaving any child under 18 months old crying alone.

Once they’re over 2, things are a little different.

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#40

Yeah, babies cry because they are distressed or have a need that needs met. When you can communicate you develop beyond crying. Resilience is a trait many researchers say is lacking and will only get worse, a big reason for this is over parenting and smothering kids in cotton wool. On the flip neglect is far easier to spot now and there are better systems in place to deal with this. We just a balance and to level it all out, extra attention when needed and backing off and letting kids experience things with a solid parent to fall back on when needed

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#41

gave me a bit of a throat lump mate. Thanks for writing this.

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