Yeah so this is definitely my kind of jam!!
Sounding great, can’t really offer too much advice in that regard yet (making electronic music only since about a year now).
Regarding structure and dynamics: I agree with the feedback that it took a bit long for the final momentum to pick up. I think it’s good to restructure for that; but I feel in the second take it’s a bit too quick to definitively-full-on (excuse my weird non-native English word-vibe-guesswork).
Another thing related to this, but I could imagine this will complicate things, and maybe is also a matter of taste: I like the tension you’re going for, but sometimes I personally also like moments of release between the tension, where you get a pocket of “chorus” traditionally speaking, where you can lock in to a groove. Also with industrial f.e. this applies for me. Now it feels a bit as óne long build up; and I could use a few more moments that lock you in this hypnotic trance; which means a bit less tension and movement. For example: the part from approx 1m10s for the next half minute or so (redone version), could be the first kind of riff/hook/chorus kind of part with the new “melodic” element coming in. But the rides that quickly come in (the ones Fading in and out) are really creating tension already very quickly, suggesting buildup towards something following to come - at least to me.
Just tried to write down my thoughts, for what they’re worth. But love the track, curious to hear more.
(Was eyeballing the MD already like crazy in the recent Phase Fatale How To Make a Track, now here, f**k Im really getting curious towards that one)