I’m often lost in deep thought while I drive, not to the extent that I’m distracted, rather, I find the “me” time therapeutic, much like running. Today, while on the way to my office a thought popped into my head and it wasn’t on a subject that I had even been thinking on recently.
It occurred to me that my creative output has fallen off a cliff because I finally came to terms with my childhood trauma and I no longer ruminate on it to the point of deep depression. I have very much mixed feelings about that idea. It’s difficult to process the thought that my drawing, painting and musical output may have all been a pressure release for past trauma and that without that pressure I have little reason to create. On the one hand it seems a positive development for sure and I’m never going to say that I miss depression (unmedicated if anyone is wondering), on the other it seems a complicated way to say I may have had a weird codependent relationship with my own crippling depression.
I’m wondering if anyone else has experienced this and if so how did you move from the acceptance phase into creating for the sake of joy? In my case I’m not even sure if that is possible but I look around at all this stuff and wonder if it’s baggage or an asset that has yet to be utilized in the next phase of my life. Sadly, it seems joy, at least as of yet, isn’t an inspiration.
It varied between aggressive noisy racket to melancholic sounding themes. My audio output was not limited to a particular genre. I’ve done industrial, IDM, techno, extreme experimental stuff and ambient.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot recently. I’m not the same person I was 20-25 years ago. I kind of had a similar relationship between my mental health and creativity.
I’m in a different place, with different problems, different interests, different priorities. Being creative always felt, and still does, like a major part of my personality and how I find release for certain feelings, but how that comes out in terms of music, and quality of music, I don’t know.
I guess I was never very good at this whole thing to begin with, so it’s not like a fall from grace or anything, but it’s definitely something I think about.
Glad you’re doing better and I totally get what you’re saying. I think many of us have our roots of creative expression being tied to upsetting and emotional episodes in our lives. Just like how major artists later works compared to their early output, it’s hard to be upset and broken hearted when you’re extremely wealthy.
But if you’re feeling uncreative, just remember you’re going to die one day, so you might as well finish your songs!!
Part of it feels like I’ve found the answer to questioning “what’s the point?”. That itself is kind of sad, in that the answer is there is no longer a point, it ran its course and it played out as it should and it did what was needed, nothing more. That seems a rather dark conclusion to what should on the surface be a positive.
Is it time for a requiem for my musical creativity?
i think this is a not unusual experience for people moving out of states of severe depression. i think it has to do with the challenges of transitions and reframing your life where the depression is no longer taking the main focus. there is “comfort” in knowing what to expect, so its understandable to yearn for the familiar even if the familiar was detrimental.
i believe creativity is a strong self soothing tool some people develop more personally than others. but we dont always need to use all of our tools all the time for all the same purposes. sometimes it takes some time to reapply a tool in a new way.
This is what’s interesting about electronic music to me. A song may sound “cheerful” but it could be coming from a dark place. Unless you are specifically telling people how you feel when releasing the song, there are only assumptions. Your focus should be on wanting to create, regardless of what you’re feeling at the moment. This should be your most freeing time as an artist, as you get out of the confines of emotion.
Obvious answer, I know… but only you would know that.
From a different perspective on music making…
I have to make something, always. Anytime I don’t it’s this nagging feeling and its only once I carve out my moments that anything else feels normal again.
It’s not a pressure release for me. It’s not even an escape. It’s something that truly brings me my happiness (and occasional frustration when you realize you made crap)
Still, I’d take the advice of learning something new before hanging it all up.
For any music maker out there, it’s a journey of styles reflective of our progression in life and music. This might be just a change, but not necessarily an end.
I’m with you in that I’m not done being creative but I miss the drive to paint and make music. Now my wife is asking how did you come up with this recipe? That said, it’s not an emotional release, more so a logical exploration and appreciation for the joy that it may bring.
My solution is to draw inspiration from history and politics. Even ignoring the current state of affairs, there’s so much generational trauma to unpack. May be harder for people from less fucked up countries, but you still can find something anywhere.
