on the other hand, there is some joy to be had using gear a lot to the point where it shows.
not sure why, maybe because you inprint a history of using it creating music, being creative, making it your own.
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I often bought doubles of certain gear for that very reason but when I felt like I’d bought the wrong thing they’d both get sold.
But I do like the idea of imparting battles scars on gear to have more of a connection. The funny thing is, my ocd would then prevent me from selling gear with visual defects. So it’s a win win for me in the long run.
…if u’d spent a visit to my studio, pretty sure u’d go nuts instantly…
i’m pretty much the exact opposite of u, i guess…
for me, first thing i do with most new gear is covering it’s labels with duck tape…
or getting a permanent marker out to smear things up…
i almost never care for dust…or tobacco crums all over the place, cause i love to smoke…
original boxes go right into the trash…
and sometimes i even spray them black right out of the box…to relabel them by hand again…
and the more stuff get’s used and looks like that more and more uberobviously kind of worn out, the more, i swear, i can hear their truu sonic core’s coming out of the speakers…
so…U…better don’t come over for a tea… 
but as a little sidenote…of coourse there is special gear, i’m treating with all the respect they deserve…but they’re always only as good as they make me work and interact full contact with them…and nope, i’m no messie at all…twice a year, i have a big clean out and sort things out for a next sonic chapter…
i really hope ur able to overcome ur habits, trust ur ur trust and start discovering for real what’s waiting to be finally revealed inside of U…get it going…
keep it started…
here some little pics for ur pure disgustment…
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I did that at first with my AK to learn it solid, it worked pretty well
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First thing I’m thinking, gloves? Have you tried that? I mean, it might seem silly, but if you’re usually alone with your gear, then who cares right? and so what if anybody does?
I know that it’s not gonna help you face you anxiety though. But it shouldn’t be adding to it either. Just putting it on standby.
Now, I don’t know if you have been given treatment for OCD before (disclaimer: I have not), but in terms of getting rid of OCD symptoms, therapists will have you do/face what you are anxious about doing, so that the part of your brain that doesn’t gets it will learn that it’s not dangerous.
Like not washing your hands before touching your gear for instance.
But it can be a very long process. Because there can be all these small anxieties connected to eachother.
Actually the trick of devaluating your gear on purpose, as others have mentioned, is clever and will most likely slay your anxiety.
Unless it turns out to just be a cover up and replacing it with a new anxiety, like that you suddenly HAVE to devaluate your gear to get peace, because the device is suddenly too clean and new looking. I have a close friend with adhd, and he has OCD like symptoms as me (quite common), where he for instance can’t handle if something looks too clean and orderly. But at the same time he has his own sense of perfect.
It’s quite common with someone having OCD to think other thoughts to get “rid” of (cover up) forceful thoughts for instance. Problem with this is that you are not accepting those thoughts. You are treating them as being wrong and covering them up with other thoughts, which creates anxiety based on the fear of having those thoughts.
The only real way to get rid of them, is to allow/accept their existence. No matter how wrong, scarry, disgusting, dirty or whatever they appear to be. They’re just thoughts afterall. If you’re not reacting on them with fear or action and just letting them be, you’re not creating a problem.
But of course it’s never as easy as that. OCD is very complex as any other psychiatric diagnose, because the brain is very complex.
Just letting something be is not that easy.
But might not end up being like that for you in terms of forceful actions to get peace. Only trying out will tell over time. Devaluating your gear on purpose, making you the one who takes control, might actually be the answer by laying it out flat in front of you to show that it’s not dangerous.
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Like Ylva.
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I definitely can relate. This is a good realization. I have to change a thing’s category in my mind. It is not a possession of mine, it is an experience.
To experience something, you go there. You walk a favorite trail. You visit someone special and talk to and be with that person. You don’t own the place along the trail, and you don’t own that special friend. You can only experience them.
With electronic instruments, or any instrument it’s the same. You need to keep them out, and hooked up to the speakers. Either buy multiple speakers and cables, or get a mixer, and have everything plugged in. Speakers are much better than headphones. If you are anywhere near that synth turn it on. Turn it on and select a patch. And leave it turned on, even if you’re not playing it, just have it on and close enough, so you can just touch it, and make a sound. Any sound. Then do that. It’s an experience not a possession. Experience it, do things with it. You have been asked to do this, this is what you now do rather than keeping it, you experience it.
If it is a modular device — something with patch cables — and i recommend you have one, always leave it with the cables plugged in. You experience a modular, by changing the plugs. Do that often. Perhaps you can’t walk away from a modular unless you’ve changed the patch, or maybe other times you change the patch when you go up to it. Don’t worry about perfect patches. Leave extra cables right there with the modular. And buy extra cables. You may have a cable hanger, but don’t box up the cables. Always be trying new patches.
It’s good to leave a synth running, and droning away while you do something else. For me it is often my Hydrasynth which has all sorts of self generating patches. Then occasionally i can go up to it and change something around, change the arp sequence, or the filter setting, or what have you.
As the idiom is: Don’t be afraid to break the eggs. You’re making a meal, not saving the eggs for some other time. ( I’m vegan, so i cut up the fruit, and make the salad. The greens, and the fruit only last if you eat them. )
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This sounds a lot like the Boomer “man up and just do it” strategy that seems to have been foundational to my parents child rearing strategy.
I find that being kind to myself is vastly more effective than the forceful approach. If I trust myself, I’m more likely to follow my plans. If I feel my past self is leading me down a dangerous path, I’ll find some way to avoid it.
YMMV, everyone is different and brains are strange. 
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I highly respect your capacity for not giving a fuck. Incredibly OG
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Having Asperger’s I definitely know what it’s like to obsess over details. It’s easier for someone on the outside to offer workarounds or mitigation strategies rather than to truly understand and address the underlying condition.
That said… Styleflip wraps and Decksavers?
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I get your point 
But a therapist will usually go about it in a careful manner, if they know what they’re doing that is.
And it’s also your own decision to go to the therapist (in most cases). The individual has to be ready for it themselves to take the step.
And going about it in a forceful way, will just create more problems. And that’s not what you’d be doing with the method I mentioned. You’re actually doing the exact opposite.
Because when having forceful thoughts and actions, individuals with OCD will usually try to force themselves to not having them, by trying to cover them up by getting distracted with something else. But this is just creating more problems instead, and you risk building anxieties on top of anxieties. You don’t wanna do that. What you wanna do is to NOT try and force something away. Instead you want to do the opposite by accepting it. In other words doing nothing. Just letting it be. And that can seem forceful. But it’s not. If you’re forcing it, then you’re doing it wrong 
But again, it’s not that simple to just accept it and do nothing.
Especially if you have other anxieties as well
Having other diagnoses can make it even more difficult.
If you have adhd for instance, it’s quite common to get anxiety and OCD like traits. But Especially the last one is problematic. You’re born with adhd, and if you have straight up OCD or just traits (which is most common), then it’s tied into your adhd. It’s born out of it. You might work off the worst of it for periods of your life, but most likely will still be there in some degree throughout your whole life.
Many people “grow out” of their hyperactive symptoms in their 20’s when their brain has matured as much as it can. But it is now known, that many just learns to overcompensate for their symptoms by going extremely in the opposite direction. In this way, it can appear like the individual has grown out of their adhd. But in reality they’re just covering up and turning the energy inwards. This usually creates anxieties like OCD. Some of us have had traits of it since we were children though. You might be lucky to get rid of it entirely of course. Depends on the individual.
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Plus Asperger and other ASD is quite unique to the individual. So understanding one with the diagnose, doesn’t mean that someone will understand everbody who has it.
Even individuals with adhd are as diverse as individuals without. It’s just our nature that is similar, and yet it is still somewhat unique to the individual.
Haven’t been checked for high functioning ASD yet btw. Might have it. But it’s probably just my adhd, and ocd like traits that can make it look like asperger.
Or maybe I actually have adhd + asperger. I don’t think so myself though, but who knows.
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No, i actually like the sound of it. My OCD is very specific to particular situations, my stuff, my studio room etc. When the first lockdown happened i felt the complete opposite. Everyone i know was wiping down their shopping with dettol wipes, but i’d have none of it. My thoughts and action can be quite contradictory at times.
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Yes, but only a particular glove i can’t seem to buy any more. So there’s the catch. Yes i’ll use gloves, but not any old glove. lol!
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I’m obsessed with buying stickers for the model series and not putting them on for this reason
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I wouldn’t say I obsessively wash my hands but my partner always said she never met anyone who did it so much (I teach at Uni so you get used to it during flu season).
Yet somehow my M:S got grimy, unlike any piece of gear Ive ever owned. I then cleaned it w rubbing alcohol and wiped all the labels clean off lol. Had to get an OverSynth overlay.
Anyway. That’s my dirty gear story.
Oh. I also once bought a used A4 that literally had sand like dust inside it I had to clean out. Worked fine before and after. Just weird.
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Dead Skin Cells.
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Really good post. Bookmarked!
Thanks
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I agree. I like to leave things on especially when Im having a creative period. Just walk over and play w things for a bit throughout the day.
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Going to try & do this when my wife & son are away.